It's been a year nearly to the day since my last post, but here I am.
And what a year it has been.
What I'm coming here today to share about is being in our bodies and what that really is, what it means.
I've been working with this concept and practice since I began learning meditation in 2010 and realized I was not in my body. While in meditation back then, I could feel myself actually behind my physical body and off to the left side. Over time, I got back in, and it has been a journey ever since of facing, integrating and loving what was in there (aka all of "me").
Around this time last year in 2023, I was enrolled in private bellydance lessons- something I had wanted to do for decades, and it finally aligned. Within a short time, my work and life schedules became so busy that I put it on hold. And I never went back. I'll circle back to this, but essentially, I felt very uncomfortable in my body learning this dance. I love working out, for instance, which I do most days of the week- lifting weights, dynamic and controlled movements, building strength. But when it came to free flow of movement... nope. I was so in my head.
A year later, now, I am enrolled in a mystery school through Rewilding for Women. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! It is unlike any energy work I've done before- it's focused on movement based practices for working with feminine energetics. It's prerecorded, so I do it alone in my living room in the dark... and it is INTENSE. Truly, madly, deeply.
WHAT A GIFT.
During the practices, sometimes I am sobbing. Sometimes I feel unbearably awkward. Sometimes I feel shame. Sometimes my mind is obsessively judging and analyzing. Sometimes I feel the presence of other powerful women, ancestors or goddesses or angels perhaps, and they surround me to help me.
Sometimes I am SCREAMING inside so loudly. I can't do it out loud (neighbors and all), but boy oh fuck do I feel it. A rage, a possession, a wildness.
And most of all, I feel this: SET ME THE FUCK FREE. Take everything from me that is NOT me, that is not TRUE for me, any lies I am subconsciously living, anything that is not the truth of me.
A BREAKING of ego structures, of human-made confines, of all the lies, so many lies that we have been conditioned to live or believe-
that sit in our bodies and minds, hold us back, restrict our movement, make us feel inadequate or wrong or flawed or failing.
What is truly you and what isn't?
What are all the voices and ideas in your head? Are they yours?
What is all of the energy around your or in your body?
What is you and what isn't?
As movement is freed up within me, an awkwardness dissipates.
Recently I was telling a friend about how I've felt more like me than I have in a long while. We talked about "coming home to yourself," and how it seems to be an ongoing journey... that there is no final end point of arrival.
I once assumed I had arrived.
I thought I had become my own home.
My body finally felt like my safe place.
My mind became my own haven that I cultivated.
I felt so good, and it lasted years.
But there was more there... a lot more... and it is unraveling now.
This is a current collective experience. This may also be your own personal experience in some way.
Out of the mind, deep into the body, and deeper still into truth and flow and freedom.
Dr. Cailin O'Hara is a passionate intuitive healer, teacher, coach, and forever student of life here to translate her experiences into hope, wisdom and light.